early sunlight

i missed the sun more than normal this year. I’m getting browner by the day and i love it :) 

good morning

today’s better

fell asleep with the universe holding my head down and telling me to rest,

woke up, heavy sleeper, took me a while

yoga in my room, a treat for myself,

then i stepped outside, head up gazing at the skies,

Saying to myself “I swear sometimes I can see the curvatures in the earth”

(then making fun of christopher colombus in my head…couldnt he see it? the world is so round! hahaha)

I can’t sleep

I’m worried about R who may be forced to marry someone who will just keep we as a housewife, make her have babies and not let her do the social work she wants to do in Delhi. What happens to dreams unnourished? What happens to those dreams that never got the chance? We have dreams of starting a non profit together. What happens to that? Those dreams that help her keep going?

I’m worried about my Ba who kept looking at the time this evening. From 8:30 to 8:47 to 9:00 as I tried to make her happier by watching an old Hindi film with her because she said “mera time pass nahi hota” staring at the clock. She’s just waiting for the time to pass and that day to come. And I’m crying and I want to hug her. Diaspora means loss. Sometimes she seems so full of life but Somethings missing from her life….living on four continents in one life in one tiny body. Moving so much. Something’s missing

I’m worried about my mom cause I know we have a lot of misunderstandings but I know it’s good for me to be around her and I’m moving out soon. For good. I’m moving out and growing up the American way. And I’m going to miss her. I don’t think anyone else thinks about her well being the way I do. Even if I am too emotional. I think I’m still good for her cuz no one thinks as deeply about her as I do. And she doesn’t even know that. Maybe she’s just starting to get to know that…..but I’m movin out now. This is my last time living at home for an extended period of time.

And my partners family really needs something good to happen to them right now. They’ve had a lot of hard recently. They need good. So I’m praying they get this new home so at least their whole joint family can live together. If no other fortune is coming their way, at least let them live together and rejuvenate their spirits.

I’m growing up. My Ba is aging. No one else talks to her at home except me and now I won’t be there. I’m worried about R because if she doesn’t find a partner on her own in the next year she will have to do an arranged marriage next year. Her parents will pressure and she will agree cause sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your families right? She only has one year. And I just love my mom too much and she doesn’t know. And I’m praying for my partners family. I need some piece of mind to sleep. Where are you?

Crying crying. Sleep usually comes easily but not tonight. Crying. Beautiful women I see your souls. Beautiful women I wish I could save you all but I can’t. Crying crying. Someone.

The strangest things,
When I’m in the US I find myself constantly listening to Indian music. Finding comfort in the instruments, the language and the rhythms. Nostalgically I wanna say, but not quite. Mostly comfort.

When I’m in India I find myself constantly listening to American music, mostly hip hop. Missing the struggles of other people of color, the familiarity of language and the simplicity of beats. Missing the uniqueness, the boldness, the solidarity and the authenticity. Almost trying to block out or deter the influx of indianness (tv commercials, music, people) and Hindi I can only partially understand.

Oh, when will it all stop being so drastic.

——————

Just called an old friend from India. She was sooo excited to talk to me. I can just imagine the huge smile on her face and her chipped front tooth. She has a huge, radiant smile. It’s true though. The love I feel from my friends in India is something totally being the love and attachment I feel from friends in the US. And sometimes my connections there feel more like reconnections. Their love is almost unmatched. It is true.

i looooove tree silhouettes. esp when they look like cut outs.
I havent seen em in a while…no, no, what i mean is i haven’t noticed them in a while